President Donald Trump wears a face mask as he walks down a hallway during a visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., on Saturday, July 11. (AP/Patrick Semansky photo)

President Donald Trump wears a face mask as he walks down a hallway during a visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., on Saturday, July 11. (AP/Patrick Semansky photo)

Mitchell’s Musings: Trump targets winning strategy with staff

Yet another strategy meeting behind closed doors at the White House:

Donald Trump: “Okay boys, and girls, I’m starting to think we may have a problem here, no matter how many times I tell the American people we’re doing fine. It’s almost like they don’t believe me anymore or something. Any ideas? Keeping in mind that if they work they’ll be my ideas and if they don’t, well, good luck in the private sector.”

Aide No. 1: “Well, the polls don’t look very good, sir?”

Trump: “I’m suing them already. Fake news. Next?”

Aide No. 2: “Well, the John Bolton book and the Mary Trump book coming out saying you’re unfit for office and a danger to democracy didn’t help either, sir.”

Trump: “Again, sued them too. Didn’t exactly keep the books from coming out, but it’s all lies from people just trying to get back at me. Everyone knows that. Yesterday’s news, already. Next?”

Aide No. 3: “The huge number of people unemployed is concerning.”

Trump: “What the….? Did you not see last month’s jobs report? Way better than expected. We’re adding jobs by the thousands. It’s all how you look at it. Besides the stock market is doing fine thank you very much. It’s going up, up, up…for some reason, I don’t know. But what I do know is I’m taking credit for it and my rich buddies, who I gave that sweet tax break to at the beginning, are happy, happy, happy and that’s good enough for me. It keeps the money flowing in. Next?”

Aide No. 4: “Well, some of your comments against Black Lives Matter protests and in defence of the legacies of Confederate generals are, well, not that helpful.”

Trump: “You mean coming out against the cancel culture and for law and order? That’s basic stuff, as in playing to my base, that’s a pun, get it, oh boy, I’m clever. Just wait until they try and topple a Ronald McDonald statue. I’ll be all over it, that’s hitting close to home in my book.”

Aide No. 1: “With all due respect sir, that base you talk about is getting smaller, and we need to appeal to swing voters to win this November’s election. What’s the strategy on that, sir?”

Trump: “Well, that’s why I’ve moved on from law and order to schools. Everyone, conservatives and liberals alike, wants to get rid of their bratty kids this fall. They’re driving them crazy, literally. Why even Baron, a perfect kid, really – Stable Genius 2, if you like – is beginning to get on my nerves. They can only play video games for so long.”

Aide No. 2: “Well, sir, at the risk of using the ‘c’ word or the ‘p’ word, the way things are going it might not be safe to send kids back to school in the fall.”

Trump: “What you taking about, Willis? Kids don’t get it, dummy. Everyone knows that. Sure we’ve got a few hot spots to put out, who doesn’t? Well, we’ve got more than anybody but you’re missing the point. I’ve already stopped going to update meetings, muzzled Fauci, in fact I’m now attacking Fauci, and in a grand gesture I even wore a mask at a hospital last week. Do you know how hard that was for me to do? It mussed up my hair. Now, that’s leadership. Did you miss that? Plus, I never use the word ‘coronavirus’ or ‘pandemic’ unless I have to so I’m ignoring it, er, I mean, dealing with it as best I can. We have to get the economy and the schools back to normal before the election, come hell or high water.”

Aide No. 3: “We might be there already, sir, considering how things are and Global Warming and all.”

Trump: “OMG, who hired you?”

Aide No. 3. “You did, sir.”

Trump: “Well, I’m firing you now. Anybody got anything else to offer?”

Deafening silence.

Trump: “Get me Barr. I want to pardon Gen. Flynn. And fire Fauci. Can I fire Fauci? Of course I can, I’m the president of the United State of America. Gee, I like the sound of that.”

Glenn Mitchell is a columnist and former editor of the Morning Star.

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

Displays and programming have continued at the Vernon Public Art Gallery despite pandemic restrictions. (Lianne Viau file photo)
Support keeps Vernon art groups’ lights on

Despite pandemic restrictions, art gallery and others sustaining the storm

The District of Lake Country saw its number of overdose calls double in 2020 over the previous year. (Black Press file photo)
Overdose calls doubled in Lake Country in 2020: report

The district’s protective services annual report shows there were 47 overdose calls last year

Interior Health reported 33 new COVID-19 cases on March 5. (Black Press Files)
Interior Health reports 33 new COVID-19 cases on March 5

Over 300,000 vaccine doses have been administered provincewide.

COVID creature characters featured in new video by Kelowna resident that attempts to bring a little humour to counter the fear and uncertainty surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic. (Contributed)
Kelowna man’s music video confronts COVID stress with humour

Power guitar tune combats pandemic uncertainty

An application to construct housing units for temporary farm workers was supported by District of Lake Country council Tuesday, March 2, 2021. The applicant, Gurjinder Sandher, must now get approval from the Agricultural Land Commission. (Google Maps)
Lake Country supports farmer’s bid to build housing for temporary workers

The application to construct 40 permanent units on farmland is now pending ALC approval

The James C Richardson Pipe Band marches in a Remembrance Day parade on Nov. 11, 2019 in Chilliwack. Wednesday, March 10 is International Bagpipe Day. (Jenna Hauck/ Chilliwack Progress file)
Unofficial holidays: Here’s what people are celebrating for the week of March 7 to 13

International Bagpipe Day, Wash Your Nose Day and Kidney Day are all coming up this week

C.E. “Ned” Bentley owned a garage on Shaughnessy Avenue, now Lakeshore Drive in Summerland. Bentley later went on to serve on Summerland’s council and was recognized with the Good Citizen Award in 1939. (Summerland Museum photo)
Former Summerland reeve once ran garage

C.E. “Ned” Bentley was a prominent figure in Summerland’s past.

Cannabis bought in British Columbia (Ashley Wadhwani/Black Press Media)
Is it time to start thinking about greener ways to package cannabis?

Packaging suppliers are still figuring eco-friendly and affordable packaging options that fit the mandates of Cannabis Regulations

Kevin Haughton is the founder/technologist of Courtenay-based Clearflo Solutions. Scott Stanfield photo
Islander aims Clearflo clean drinking water system at Canada’s remote communities

Entrepreneur $300,000 mobile system can produce 50,000 litres of water in a day, via solar energy

Join Black Press Media and Do Some Good
Join Black Press Media and Do Some Good

Pay it Forward program supports local businesses in their community giving

Malawian police guard AstraZeneca COVID-19 vaccines after the shipment arrived in Lilongwe, Malawi, Friday March 5, 2021. Canada is expecting its first shipments of AstraZeneca vaccine next week. (Associated Press/Thoko Chikondi)
B.C.’s daily COVID-19 cases climb to 634 Friday, four more deaths

Currently 255 people in hospital, 66 in intensive care

A crashed helicopter is seen near Mt. Gardner on Bowen Island on Friday March 5, 2021. Two people were taken to hospital in serious but stable condition after the crash. (Irene Paulus/contributed)
2 people in serious condition after helicopter goes down on Bowen Island

Unclear how many passengers aboard and unclear where the helicopter was going

Surrey Pretrial in Newton. (Photo: Tom Zytaruk)
B.C. transgender inmate to get human rights hearing after being held in mostly male jail

B.C. Human Rights Tribunal member Amber Prince on March 3 dismissed the pretrial’s application to have Makayla Sandve’s complaint dismissed

Supporters rally outside court as Pastor James Coates of GraceLife Church is in court to appeal bail conditions, after he was arrested for holding day services in violation of COVID-19 rules, in Edmonton, Alta., on Thursday March 4, 2021. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Jason Franson
‘Law remains valid:’ Pastor accused of violating health orders to remain in jail

The Justice Centre for Constitutional Freedoms is representing the pastor

Most Read